Hi, tributes! Even though Thanksgiving break was criminally short, there are just a few more weeks of classes left! As a glass-half-full optimist, I choose to see those weeks as my chance to save the semester. Good luck to everyone in the trenches with me, may the odds be ever in your favor. Sorry, I saw the new Hunger Games movie and now it’s all I can think about because I’d for sure be in the Capitol mothering alongside Viola Davis. Anyways, important W2M task, oSTEM Summit for grads/early career ppls, and Ellie’s Queer Highlight below.
This Week
Join us this Friday (December 1) for our sixth and final general member meeting of the semester from 5-6 pm at Douglass 407! We’ll be discussing our plans for our traditional Game Night w/ oSTEM at the end of the semester and go into detail about our Spring semester plans (study hours, speaker series suggestions, etc.).
Coming Up
Updates
- Spring ‘24 GMM Scheduling: W2M Availability
We are starting to plan our GMMs for the upcoming Spring semester and need your help!! Please fill out this quick W2M to let us know when is the best time to hold our bi-weekly GMMs next semester. The survey will stay open so you can update it if any changes arise, but please let us know what it is as of now. We want to accommodate as many members as we can!!
oSTEM
- Professional Development Summit: Applications Due December 8, 2023 @ 11:59 pm PST
The oSTEM PDS is an all-expense paid, intimate career retreat weekend, aimed to empower early career LGBTQ+ professionals in STEM through introspective workshops, authentic mentorship, and a supportive community. It will take place in Boston, MA from March 8-10, 2024, and is open to early career STEM professionals or graduate students, with priority given to oSTEM members/alumni! Read more here. - Website
Browse through our CCC website to take advantage of our compiled Resources & Opportunities (scholarships, conferences, etc.), read more about our iconic E-Board, and find other general oSTEM links. The website is regularly updated, if you spot any issues or know of an R&O we haven’t included, our Feedback Form is always open!
My Partner is Trans!: Cis-Trans Relationships
What does an almost-40 year old, out and proud lesbian do when her partner comes out as a transgender male? I don’t really know. I can only tell you what this lesbian chose to do: I chose to stay. I chose to stay because, when I really got honest, if Simon was a boy, he’d always been a boy, whether I’d acknowledged it or not. I chose to stay because Simon is brave, kind, honest and loving ways in ways that Amy could never quite muster up the openness, the transparency, to be. I chose to stay to honor the family that we created together. I chose to stay because I can’t imagine my life without him.
Hey all! It’s President Coin, I mean President Ellie, (sorry also still got the Hunger Games bug) coming to you live from the oSTEM Queer Highlight! First, I’d like to apologize in advance for any typos. I just got a fresh set of acrylics on over break for the holiday season, and forgot how to use a keyboard. Until CCC allows iPhone audio messages to be included in emails, I will just be in the trenches. Anywoo, enough jokes! This highlight is near and dear to my heart, as it is a spotlight into many intimate aspects of my partner and I’s relationship and our struggles and triumphs. I will be referencing my personal experiences, studies, self-help guides, other stories, and at the end link a variety of articles for you to access if you are interested! There will also be some discussion of transphobia, trans exclusion, and sexual relationships. I also like to preface my highlight by acknowledging that my girlfriend has given me permission to discuss such details of our relationship and her transition. Please never share any details about anyone’s life or personal experiences without explicit consent.
First, my girlfriend! Kenzie (she/they) and I have been together for going on 3 years, when we met on my Tinder account. At the time, she identified as a straight, cis-gendered man. Flash forward to today, and she identifies as a queer trans-woman. It would be naive of me to say that her transition has not impacted our relationship, and in fact, it has resulted in significant changes in our communication, our emotional + physical intimacy, our relationships with our families, and how we are viewed in and out of the queer community. Her transition has brought the two of us closer together, as we have relied on each other for all of the twists and turns such an intense life event brings.
As someone who did not begin their gender identity journey until their early 20s, Kenzie has faced additional challenges coming out to friends and family. Being from a western New York farm town, it is an understatement to say she had little to no exposure to queer culture growing up. Partnering that with being neurodivergent, and her gender identity was never something she gave much thought to before we began our relationship. Through that time, I exposed her to the queer community and my queer friends, and we began to notice a lot of similarities in her mindset and experiences to that of gender-nonconforming people. To support her in this, I have taken a larger role in being “the educator”. For many gender non-conforming people, there is the societal expectation to educate those around you who do not understand your transition, or who do not put in the time to better themselves. This is extremely taxing on individuals, who feel like their entire life is spent justifying their own existence, and defending themselves and their community. By keeping myself educated on a variety of topics, I am able to advocate for her to her parents and family, so she does not feel so burdened.
Slowly, she began experimenting with more feminine presentation, new pronouns, new names, and has ended up here. Presentation in our relationship is still something she struggles with. I have a very feminine presentation, while her style is more alternative and subtle. Due to this, she often appears the “more masculine” of the two of us. In our binary cis-hetero society, this means she is very often labeled “the man” of our relationship, and gets misgendered more often when she is out in public with me than when she is alone. Now, as the cis-gender person in our relationship, this is something I have come to be hyper-aware of. Now, obviously this does not mean I need to change my presentation or dress differently. More so, when we are out together, I make an additional effort to advocate for her. I loudly and confidently refer to her as my girlfriend, and dote on her (I know ew gross PDA) but my extra efforts to feminize her in our interactions help a lot for her self-confidence. As a cis-gender partner, it is my role to share the burden of fighting against a society that does not accept her.
I wish I could say that the struggles we face are exclusive to cis-het society, but unfortunately, we have fought a lot of battles within the community as well. I identify as a queer woman/lesbian, and as such am very involved in different queer woman/lesbian spaces. Very often, I have faced scrutiny from other lesbians about whether or not my relationship qualifies as “lesbian enough”. The amount of times I have been asked, “well has she had the surgery?... Is she on hormones?... well you’re still attracted to penises, right?” and other horribly intrusive questions are appalling. As queer people, we are not immune to allowing binary, genital-focused talking points from infiltrating our spaces. As trans-advocates, it is important that we always acknowledge our own biases, and work to modify our ideas and language to be inclusive of everyone in our community.
My girlfriend’s and I’s experiences are not the only ones that echo these ideas. As a cis-gender partner, you have the duty to support your partner, and also acknowledge the impact this transition will have on your life and relationship. 50% of relationships do not survive when a partner decides to transition, so it is important to take some time to acknowledge your own feelings. It is completely normal to experience feelings of grief, uncertainty, and confusion. Talk about these with your partner. Express your feelings and concerns, ask them questions about their identity, and their future plans. Discuss topics such as hormones, your sexual life, fertility, and other plans as early on as possible. Keeping each other on the same page at all times makes you two a team, and helps the transition strengthen your relationship.
It boils down to a variety of ideas to take home and consider, as I have covered a lot here and I know it is a little scattered. Trans women are women, and trans men are men. Your partner’s gender identity and gender journey is not the sole indicator of your personal sexual identity. Oftentimes, trans perspectives are also excluded from important discussions of sexism/racism/homophobia/etc, so making an active effort to highlight them is important. Boiling gender identity and sexuality down to genitalia harms the queer community as a whole.
Below are some resources I’ve compiled for anyone who needs them! :)
Hi gay! Join us for our upcoming bi-weekly meeting from 5-6 pm at Douglass 407! We discuss things the various events we have planned for the semester, go over conference plans, share social/professional/academic resources, and overall just vibe (in a not cis het way /s)!
Registration Note: While CCC registration is not required to attend, we are mindful of member privacy concerns and only E-Board members have access to the list. If you have any questions or concerns, always feel free to reach out to us!
