The Incredibly Informal AroAce Infomercial
I've learnt some things. Like the way friendship can be just as intense, beautiful and endless as romance. Like the way there's love everywhere around me - there's love for my friends, there's love for my paintings, there's love for myself.
- Alice Oseman (Loveless)
I’ve been waiting to write about this for a long time since it’s something that I’ve been researching on way too much, and you know I just want the space to finally talk about it since it’s a topic that doesn’t really get talked about that much in the LGBTQ+ community: being aromantic and/or asexual. This highlight is already super long and there’s so many topics in queer literature & culture regarding asexuality and aromanticism, so I’m just kind of giving a brief dive but also my own thoughts and experiences too.
Well, for starters, what do those words mean? Well, in plain terms, being asexual means having little to no sexual attraction to someone, and being aromantic means having little to no romantic attraction to someone. If you’re asexual, you probably have little or no interest in ****’ing people, and if you’re aromantic, you probably have little or no interest in what I can only understand and describe as “being super super close to someone and wanting to stay with them as your soulmate.”
Now that being said, those aren't really accurate descriptions of what that’s like. Instead, I’d say the best way to describe being asexual and aromantic is very much the feelings that are elicited from those experiences. Asexual people can still ****, and aromantic people can still be in relationships, heck some might even want to be in one. I can personally attest that I would want to be in a relationship, but the way people feel about each other romantically is something I don’t think I get. When I was younger, I did think I knew what it meant; I’ve only had feelings for like 2 people? First one..didn’t go very well (and in hindsight I’m pretty sure I just wanted to be friends and that makes it more sad), second one was a very close friend and honestly kind of an impromptu decision that I made randomly once because everyone said we were dating but I guess we weren’t but also I just assumed we’d like each other since we’re close and it was complicated ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Cough cough, anyways, that’s when I also learned that being ace and aro are not absolutes; they exist on a spectrum and people experience them in different ways with their own labels. Personally, I think I would call myself demiromantic?? (although that’s not set in stone); basically I would need to have a really close emotional bond with someone before being romantic with them. When I learned about this and explained it to people, most of the responses I got were “well duh, that’s normal.” I guess it’s…supposed to be normal???, but then I’m not sure why I don’t see that. I still remember even back in grade school, people would be like “you can’t date your close friends” and “I’m too close and only see this person as a best friend” (well wait I thought relationships were just like having a bestie???). Even now, I’ve heard people say “I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone I’m too close to, then it’s too boring.” And I mean, dating apps exist, and plenty of people use them, so…yeah. Needless to say, I still don’t get it any further, and it basically hit me that “wait, you’re supposed to feel something when you go on dates??? There’s an intention??? Like, what is even flirting??? And wait, most people wanna ... .do that to someone when they like them???” I took a lot of this for granted when I was a kid but I chalked it up to just not thinking about it and also growing up in environments of heteronormativity and friends/peers I never really fit in with. But yes, there’s a whole plethora of labels and identities that exist on the asexual and aromantic spectrum, and it’s never a one-size-fits-all.
And here’s a really cool thing I learned too; just because you’re aroace doesn’t mean you can’t have relationships with people. Apparently, there’s a whole spectrum of attractions people experience outside of just romance or sex, many that I definitely experience too (and trust me finding out about this was really life affirming). In simple terms, we have:
- Platonic: I wanna be friends with that person!! (I get this one way too many times, we even have our own crushes too - they’re called squishes!!! It’s a great name!)
- Aesthetic: That person is so pretty and cute!!
- Sensual: I wanna cuddle and hug with that person!!
- Alterous: I have a very deep bond with that person that is an in between romantic & platonic!!
That last one is particularly interesting, since many aroace people experience these kinds of relationships. An aroace relationship is usually called a queerplatonic relationship, and it tends to be a deeply committed, intimate partnership between people that is not considered romantic in nature. It usually operates beyond being just friends, but is usually not really romantic either. There’s not really expectations about what this relationship can look like, and many of them can even resemble romantic relationships too.
Well that was a doozy but I guess in the spirit of being Aromantic Awareness week, but also Valentine’s Day which just happened a week ago, I wanted to bring this out to shed light on the aromantic asexual community and remind y’all that we do exist. And in the late February spirit, I think the lesson I want to evoke is how valid our love is, no matter what form it takes, be it the romantic love you feel for your partner, or the love you have for your friends and family (biological and found family). And hey, if you don’t feel some of those, that’s ok too, it doesn’t make you broken or confused or weird!
If you want further recommendations or insights into these concepts, the aforementioned Loveless by Alice Oseman is a really cool story on the experience of being Aromantic, while Ace by Angela Chen is a really interesting deep dive on asexuality.
See you this Wednesday!!
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