Queer Development and the Second Adolescence (A bit of a coming out story???)
Queer lives are notable for their lack of “chrononormativity,” starting in childhood.
- Jack Halberstam
This topic is somewhat personal and near and dear to me, and as such I’m gonna be opening up a lot and talking about my journey, which has been going on for a while and still isn’t really over and I don’t know when it will end, if at all. But I hope this might resonate with a lot of people, especially with what’s been going on at home and the uncertain times we’re living in.
“Second Adolescence” is a concept within the LGBTQ+ community that was originally popularized by psychologist Adam James Cohen through his podcast of the same name. The term refers to the idea of queer people living a second version of their teenage years, often when coming out or recognizing their own identity. This usually manifests itself in re-experiencing the adolescent feelings of our youth, from having crushes, squishes or any kind of attraction to others, to exploring how we dress or express ourselves. Author Jack Halberstam conceptualizes this in his book In a Queer Time and Place, where he posits the concept of queer time; having our timelines exist beyond the linear trajectory of our cishet counterparts.
For many queer individuals, the reason we experience this is a lot of things, but mainly fear, rhetoric, and cis-heteronormative conditioning within our youth. Especially in environments of homophobia & transphobia, we’re forced to shelter our identities and build up masks to protect ourselves and conform to societal expectations. Media & messaging also plays a role in pushing people towards a cisgender, heterosexual direction and convincing them that that’s the only way to experience themselves in society. Socioeconomic status also plays a role, including not being able to afford gender-affirming health procedures, clothing, etc. For a lot of our cis-het counterparts, there’s sort of a “standard timeline” that we tend to follow; we go to school, get a career, then date and marry and have kids and such. But queer time works differently, it’s harder to figure out what we want in life, we struggle to find spaces and ways to exist as ourselves, and it’s a little harder to find models in adulthood of what queer relationships and existence look like.
One factor that also does not get talked about as well is having the right environment. I grew up in Maryland, which is generally a pretty liberal state, but when I was in middle and high school the concept of being queer was really new and often a bit taboo. I still remember the stereotypes of anyone who was gay being just “angry blue haired people” and everyone sort of singling out LGBTQ+ issues and/or being confused by they/them pronouns and stuff. Personally, I just thought everyone was being a little crazy and just thought we were all human beings who needed to respect one another, but I won’t pretend I was an expert on anything. And well, I was a regular looking guy, with guy friends (that I admittedly kind of detest now) and just seemed like I was like everyone else. But underneath that surface was lurking a lot of confusion; I think the best analogy to describe it was like that one teacher who sends all the rowdy kids to detention, and because you’re in the wrong place and the wrong time you get in trouble too. But it’s like you want nothing to do with that wrong place and it keeps coming to you, and everyone around you pushes you there even though you don’t wanna be involved at all, but those teachers keep associating you with those kids. Weirdly I think it was speech & debate that introduced me to queer issues and accessibility; people would run meta arguments on misgendering & queer human rights, and establishing practices about using/respecting pronouns. Honestly I kind of thank debate because otherwise I wouldn’t have even learned what pronouns were or how to use them. And honestly learning about it led me to consider things too; like wait can I use “they” pronouns too, they seem really cool? Is that even allowed for me? But no, I’m not nonbinary, I just look like a normal guy. But idk, I don’t think of myself like that, when I get those forms asking about my gender, I just put “don’t wish to disclose” (I genuinely did this on all of my college apps). And it’s not that I didn’t want people to know, I guess I just didn’t know myself. I never thought of myself as being male or female or anything, when all my friends and classmates around me were talking about looking good for girls or saying that they were looking handsome and like “real men” and all these weird words, I just was…confused? It didn’t make any sense, idk why people were so obsessed with it, and I kinda hated being grouped in there, it was just…an icky feeling. But no, I couldn’t possibly be queer, oh no, I was just a normal male…human…person…being…thing.
Well what you just witnessed back there was the plaguing thoughts that were running through me for years and still sometimes do. And now, I can definitely say from experience going to college, and now having queer friends and student organizations on campus really opened me up to learning about these issues and recognizing similar feelings within myself. I think one takeaway I’ve gained first hand is that everyone’s journey is different; sometimes we are so in tune with our queerness from childhood, sometimes we have families & communities that may not be as accepting, and don’t feel comfortable expressing ourselves, and heck sometimes we think we’re perfectly fine until we play an RPG as a character of the opposite sex and then realize, “wait maybe I like this, what if I wanna feel that way???” And heck, we can look different ways too; some enbies (for those of you who don’t know that’s a nickname for nonbinary individuals) look like their agab (assigned gender at birth), some use he or she pronouns and that’s totally valid. I think if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the beauty of the LGBTQ+ community is how vastly differently we look, think, and feel or express ourselves, but we’re accepting of it, and embrace non-conformity. I know I’m still experiencing that queer adolescence, zoning in at fits that could make me feel “less gender” or the amazement I felt picking out clothes from that oSTEM conference closet, figuring out when I’m feeling platonic vs romantic feelings (that’s a topic for February) or even dying my hair (if you see me, I hope the color is visible). And it can feel weird sometimes, like you’re an imposter or that you’re pretending, but there’s no one right way to be queer; our journeys and experiences are vastly different, we discover ourselves and learn more at different parts in time, and that’s what makes us special.
With that, I’ll conclude this by officially coming out because this has kinda been a long time coming 💛🤍💜🖤!!! Disclaimer: I still don’t really have a name for myself because my identity fluctuates a lot and expresses itself in different ways (one day it’s genderfluid, the next it’s agender, it kinda manifests a lot in different ways), so I’ll just use the nonbinary colors since I still see myself falling under that umbrella (well I guess I’m female according to the government’s unintended scientific incompetency, but hey I’ll call that a plus). I know this was a lot of me yapping but I hope it can bring a voice to those who may not feel comfortable expressing themselves or feeling like they can’t be who they are. These times are hard, and for those who may not feel safe at home or work or anywhere else, just remember you have a place here at oSTEM.
References:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/second-adolescence/202305/the-second-adolescence-of-lgbtq-adulthood
https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/second-queer-adolescence
https://daily.jstor.org/queer-time-the-alternative-to-adulting/
https://sfonline.barnard.edu/ps/printjha.htm
See you Wednesday!!
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